Jessica Ennis at the London 2012 Olympics

Commonwealth Games Jokes

The UK finds itself in he wonderful position of hosting he world’s third biggest summer games at the moment, after hosting the second biggest – The WPFG – in Belfast in 2013, and of course, the biggest – The London Olympics – in 2012. So, in their honour, here are some Commonwealth Games jokes. Unlike some of he fantastic competitors in the Games, don’t expect any medals for these. They come with no guarantee of either funniness or originality.



Why isn’t suntanning an commonwealth sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

I’m a natural at weight lifting. I picked it up quickly.

I was going to practice my sprinting, then I realised it wouldn’t help me in the long run.

A gymnast walks into a bar.  He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.

It’s the Commonwealth Fishing event today. I hear it’s all online. Anyone got a good stream?

I saw a book called “Ten Steps To Improve Your Long Jump”. I thought, “that’s cheating”.

Members of the relay team. You’ve got to hand it to them.

Who is the hottest athlete in the team? The long jumper.

Usain Bolt would never make it as a senior member of the legal profession. He’s far too quick to judge.

I never made it as an athlete. Fell at he first hurdle.

A friend told me he was a 100m champion. I asked what he did it in. He said, “T-shirt & trainers”.


Last week’s Tree Jokes are here.

There is an index of such randomness here.