Drink Jokes

This week’s puns and one liners take the theme of drink jokes. As normal, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…




Just heard someone shouting “Tequila! Vodka! Whiskey!” I said “I call the shots around here”.


How do you ask a dinosaur if he wants a drink? Tea, Rex?


I went to buy six cans of sprite the other day and realised I’d picked 7Up.


Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.


A man walks into a bar with a jump lead. Barman says “you can have a beer but don’t start anything”.


What’s Dracula’s favourite type of coffee? Decoffinated.


Why don’t anarchists drink Earl Grey? The believe proper tea is theft.


Not sure about my trendy new local cafe. It fills me with uncertain tea.


A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.


I put a couple of ts into my beer last night. It made it better.


Every time I take a drink from a bottle, it keeps pouring back. Must be spring water.


Before I have a dangerous coffee, I like to have safe tea first.


Someone just ran off with my coffee. Think I’ve been mugged…


One cup asks another if he wants to see which once can hold most coffee. The other says, “no, that’s a mug’s game”.


On a flight, off on holiday. The cabin crew member asked what I wanted to drink.
“Well, I haven’t changed my mind…”


A man walks into a library and asks for a bottle of milk. The librarian says “this is a library!”. The man whispers “sorry, a bottle of milk, please”.


Al Pacino’s brother, Cap, is famous for his coffee.


Worried that the milk I bought this morning has come from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly the same as a bottle I bought yesterday.


A friend said a wine he tried recently was bitter and not properly fermented. Sounds like sour grapes to me.


I was out for dinner when the chap at the table next to me ordered 27Oz of wine. I thought, “he’s having a carafe”




Last week’s needle jokes are here.

If you like these drink jokes, there is an alphabetical list of joke topics here.
(there are a few other pages about specific jokes like tea, coffee and milk there)