The train at Blenheim Palace

Train Jokes

As I was on the train on the way home last night, I thought hat a good topic for this week’s puns and one-liners would be train jokes, so here are a collection of railway related gags. As always, don’t expect them to be too funny or too original…



A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.

Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…

What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the trains…

I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.

I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.


And of course… How would you work out how heavy a whale is?  You would take it to a whale weigh station….



There are more such jokes over here.

Last week’s hat jokes are here.