Some more corny jokes

I posted some corny jokes yesterday, which seemed to go down well, judging by the number of page views that the post got, so I thought that you might want some more…

 

Heard a myth about a single bed placed on top of another one, and attached with a ladder. Fortunately, I was able to debunk it.

 

Friend of mine always gets a pain in his spine when he listens to classical music. Think it’s Bach-ache.

 

Just been let down by the people who work at the fancy dress shop after I tried to order a Shepherd’s outfit. Can’t get the staff.

 

I was examining my tomato plants looking for caterpillar tracks. That’s when I got run over by a tank

 

I called the National Association of Procrastination, they said they’d call me back.

 

Really nice car park here.  Sign says “You will be charged after 2 hours”.  Very kind, I thought, as I parked my electric car.

 

A recently discovered tribe has no use of watches, clocks, or the equivalent. It’s a race against time.

 

A friend got fired from his job at a calendar factory. All he did was take a day off …

 

Saw a woman in a pub playing snooker & balancing a pint on her head.  Beatrix Potter.

 

My local florist isn’t into butter.  They’re not interflora either.

 

Trying to figure out the reason why I have such difficulty with operating my doorbell. I just can’t put my finger on it.

 

I told a friend that I had a job in a bowling alley.  “Tenpin?” he asked me. “No” I said, “It’s permanent.”

 

Who’s the nicest chap in the hospital? The ultrasound guy. Who stands in for him when he’s on leave? The hip replacement guy.

 

Man walks into a dentist & says “I think I’m a moth”. Dentist says “You need a doctor not a dentist”. He says “I know but your light was on”

 

I had a dream I was flying last night. Seat 4F. Wasn’t much of a dream.

 

A friend of mine isn’t much of an organ donor, but he did give a piano to the local charity shop.

 

Dreamt last night I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road.  Tossing and turning.

 

Sang to myself in an elevator once. It was quite uplifting.

 

My friend told me he’s fed up with me talking like a newsreader. More on that story later.

 

My friend was hit by a drum kit the other day. The doctor says he has percussion.

 

Saw the world’s biggest fan last week. It blew me away.

 

A racehorse and his entourage walk into a bar. The bouncer says “You can’t come in here with those trainers.”

 

I used to do a bad impression of Eric Morecambe, but now I’ve seen the error of my waheys.

 

I thought a pig was tapping my phone because there was so much crackling on the line.

 

Women can do a much better Black Country accent than men. That’s because the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.

A Geordie chap walked into a hairdressers and asked “Can I have a perm please?”  Hairdresser replied, “I wandered lonely  as a cloud….”

 

I wrote a book about wind systems of the world. It’s saved in my drafts.

 

Apparently, the first sign of madness is Suggs walking up your driveway.

 

Saw Miami Sound Machine recently and one of them waved a blue & white scarf. Must have been Gloria Leicesterfan.

 

I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week. It was OK. Nothing to write home about.

 

I would tell some of these trendy self-deprecating jokes, but I’m not very good at them.

 

Reminded of the Adam Ant diet. “Don’t Chew Ever. Don’t Chew Ever”….

 

I heard a really funny time travel joke tomorrow.

 

Do pirates shop at Arrrgos?

 

The perks of working in a keyboard factory.  Extra shifts.

 

Saw an ancient secret Viking message earlier.  It was sent by Norse Code.

 

I’m fed up with my mates agreeing to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and then not showing up. Here I go again on my own.

 

I saw a transparent billboard yesterday. I thought to myself, “That’s a clear sign”.

 

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke threw some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream at me. How dairy!

 

I’ve just seen a soul singer carrying a box of 1980s computers. I think it was Lionel Richie and the commodores.

 

I’ve drawn a self potrait in a special ultraviolet ink. Now people see me in a different light.

 

I saw a billboard with a picture of a clock on it. I guess that’s a sign of the times.

 

I saw a billboard this morning that said ‘Future Events’. I thought ”That’s a sign of things to come”.

 

A friend tells me he’s a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher.  I think he’s just splitting hares.

 

Pleased to say I was voted “Most likely to travel back in time, Class of 2053”.

 

A driver  flagged me down the other day and said “I’ve broken down and could do with a lift.” I told them that their hair looked nice & drove off.

 

Quick update: The previous series of jokes can be found here, and here is a link to the next series of corny jokes… and there is an index of the various joke pages here