pair of Caesars

Half Jokes

You might say that many of my puns are at best half jokes, but these half jokes are all puns where the world half makes an appearance. A few might be a bit tenuous, but nothing new there. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… If you like halves, you might like this story about when football was a game of three halves.

 

 

 

They say football is a game of two halves. My mate Dave can get through about seven pints during a match.

 

I bet on a horse at 10-1. It didn’t come in until half past three.

 

I keep turning the TV on half way through a frame of snooker. I just can’t get a break.

 

Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.

 

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my liver, he gave me half a pound of onions.

 

Managed to cut my bills in half. I haven’t saved any money, just a bit obsessed with my scissors.

 

A friend was in a band called Half Man Half Bull. The played a few gigs across the Midlands. It was a minor tour.

 

Was working as a delivery driver. Asked the recipient where he wanted his giant roll of bubble wrap. He said “pop it in the corner”. Took me three and a half hours.

 

Saw a radioactive cat. It’s got eighteen half-lives.

 

Got a Bon Jovi sat nav. Apparently we’re half way there.

 

How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.

 

Greek mythological team had a striker who was half man, half horse. He was their centaur forward.

 

A friend was making jam from a banana when he stopped half way through and couldn’t go on. We suspect it’s a mid-Fyffe crisis.

 

Went to the taxi driver reunion. Everyone turned up half an hour late.

 

For sale: Watch with half a face. For a limited time only.

 

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

 

Couple of friends went to a shop selling half price flat fish. Cheap skates.

 

A friend’s pessimistic attitude cost him his job as a barman. With him, the glass was always half empty.

 

I like to break the rules. I had an After Eight at half past seven once.

 

 

 

Last week’s pigeon jokes are here.

If you like these half jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

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