England playing football

Football Jokes

This weekend sees the World Cup final, so it seems a good opportunity to have a few football jokes. Most seem to be about a specific team or player, but I thought I would stay neutral and just go for the silly… As normal, they come with no guarantee of funniness or originality…


Great start to the season for Lion King FC: a win away, a win away, a win away…


Think my friend’s new girlfriend is a keeper. She’s got a pair of goalie gloves.


Went to watch a match recently, and it was freezing. Must have been all the fans.


Local manager turned on the floodlights to bring on his sub…


Local team has a triangular pitch. I think someone took a corner.


Saw a team of flies playing football in a saucer. They hope to be in the cup next week.


Local amateur poultry team had their new star striker chicken banned. Apparently he was a professional fowl.


I like to think outside the box, although it has ended my career as a goalkeeper.


They say football is a game of two halves. My mate Dave can get through about seven pints during a match.


My team has had the same score in almost all their games this season, all 4-1 and one 4-4. Well done the Musketeers.


Hired Dracula as our keeper, but he was rubbish. Scared of crosses.


Cinderella wasn’t great as a striker. Kept running away from the ball.


Greek mythological team had a striker who was half man, half horse. He was their centaur forward.



Last week’s tennis jokes are here.

There is an index of such nonsense here.